Oh how I wish.... :(

It's been a while since I last blogged here. As much I do not want to blog how I feel, I don't have any other means to let it out of my system.

I need to do something, but I don't really know how. I don't really know how to start..

How I wish it's not that hard, but it is... how I wish it will not affect some people, but it will...
How I wish everything will flow smoothly, but I don't think it will....

I tried, but it didn't happen according to how I thought it would be...

How I wish they would understand what I meant, but no.... it can't be...

It didn't happen the way I would want it to happen...

Because I am not the orchestrator... of this whole damn life....

It's not that I hate this life, it's not that I don't understand what is happening...
But I can't help it, I am not yet capable to understand why this has to happen...

Oh how I wish, everything will fall into its proper places and we can move on with our own lives.... sooner than we think.... :(

If I could only wish for that one day...

As I back up my photos from my past travels, I am reminiscing those happy moments in my life. I consider those as evidences of my journey. But I also remember, since then I was not able to get the support I expected from somebody.

Since then I knew the reason was insecurity. Or envy. I can't think of any other reason why that somebody felt that way... :(

Good thing, those photos showed I really enjoyed the trip and the company I had then.

Well I knew there's no assurance I could do that again.
It's a once in a lifetime experience. A learning experience that would take me to another level of my life which I know i can share with somebody later on...

Oh how I wish that one day... if I could only wish for that one day... :(

Organizing my thoughts

I am facing something that I need to ponder on...

I know I can handle my situation, it's just that I need to know how stable my thoughts are....

I'm thankful because with this, I know God is there for me. He may not approve some of my actions, but it's like showing me His unconditional love that I have been asking for. I'm not perfect, I have my own sins that I have not acted upon yet. But God is there to show me the path I need to take. I may have been asking for this, to show me how to actually do it. Opening my eyes to the reality is actually telling me He's still there for me and He has not forsaken me though I am a sinner.

I do not wish to do anything for I believe everybody faces their own karma, as I do. Be it good or bad, eventually everything will happen for a purpose and according to God's will.

I just need to hang on, stay put and let things happen on its own.

I have my own problems to face. I have my own mistakes to correct.

This is what I really intend to do:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him.
If he is thirsty, give him a drink.
For by doing this, you will make him burn with shame." (Romans 12:20)

What These Songs are Really Sayin'

Break It To Me Gently
by Angela Bofill

Did you think that your smile Could hide what's on your mind?
No matter how I tried I just couldn't be so blind
We've been close but people grow, and they sometimes grow apart
There's just one thing I ask you if you've had a change of heart…

CHORUS:
(And) Break it to me gently, if ya have to, then tell me lies
Break it to me gently, at least leave me with my pride
Try to spare my feelings if the feelings have to die
Break it to me gently, if you have to say goodbye

I'm not ashamed to admit I really hurt inside
After all these are my feelings, why should I make them hide?
But I won't hold you back, there'll be no pulling on your sleeve
Just let me down easy, and go softly when you leave…

CHORUS:
(And) Break it to me gently, if ya have to, then tell me lies
Break it to me gently, at least leave me with my pride
Try to spare my feelings if the feelings have to die
Break it to me gently, if you have to say goodbye

You always knew that you had my heart
It's still yours, if you wanna take it
But when you go, as I know you must,
Be gentle with your breaking

CHORUS:
(And) Break it to me gently, if ya have to, then tell me lies
Break it to me gently, at least leave me with my pride
Trust me and my feelings if the feelings have to die
Break it to me gently, if you have to say goodbye

Break it to me gently, if you have to say goodbye,
Goodbye
----------------------------

Find Me
by David Gates


The skies are not as blue, when you're not with me
The stars, they never seem to shine as bright
And the hours crack like days across the ages
And a year or two pass by with every night.
It makes me know if i should ever leave this world before you do
When you follow you must promise, cross your heart and promise to

(Chorus)
Find me...look hard, and dont stop, I'll be waiting 'till then
Dont sleep, and dont eat 'till I'm back, back in your arms again
I dont wanna have to spend all my forever without you.
Just knowing that your out there somewhere too.
So darlin...please I'm begging you on bended knee...
Find me...

I've tried to tell this world how much i love you.
But they dont understand how deep it goes.
And i can't even find the words to tell you
So I'm the only one who really knows.
And though we have our times together, I am always wanting more
So if we get separated wont you do just like before and

(Chorus 2)
Find me...look hard and dont stop, I'll be waiting 'till then
Dont sleep, and dont eat 'till I'm back, back in your arms again
Through a hundred million faces you will see me shinning through.
'Cause I'll glow when you come close , I always do.
So darlin' please im begging you on bended knee..
We can share our love through all eternity
'Cause with you is all i ever wanna be......
Find me

Sentimental Love Songs

My neighbor is currently playing some sad love songs over his radio...
Hmm, is it his way of mending his broken heart? We think so.... :)

While I am forced to listen to his radio, I think I got affected too.... in a way that I got to think what love song is right for me. A few months ago, I asked myself how was it nga to feel broken hearted? Or will it still affect me after all these years, especially I have my kids with me? My kids are far more important than anybody else.

Then I realized something that got me affected, cried a little too. Though I felt sad, I'm still eating which means....it has no great effect on me. I remember when I had the greatest heartache of my life... best way in dieting for it slimmed me down... :)

So now, which love song is right for me? If I could only compose songs, then it's so easy to answer. I could compose a song with all the lines just right for me. But sometimes, it goes on with how we feel at the moment. We can easily relate with the songs we're listening to based on how we feel each day...

Me at the Moment

The new mommy comes back.... I am back... :)

As I expected it, I got busy before and after I gave birth. I faced my fears when I gave birth and got busy taking care of the baby I've been praying for so long. I feel so blessed despite of the fact that my wallet is always empty again and my actions got limited since I need to be with my baby as much as I can. I feel my load, whatever it is I am carrying now, is being lightened up with the presence of my baby, and of course my son too.

I hope I can improve myself more, especially as a mother -- to raise my kids the way I always wanted them to be. I hope I can give them a better life, bring them to beautiful places, and especially enjoy life together.

I may be dreaming, I may be idealistic... I am just hoping I could do better now, because I know I failed in the past. I hope I still have a chance to make it better this time. I hope it's not yet too late. I want to do it.... :)

Waiting for that Big Day

I am about to give birth in a few days -- either in a week or two weeks....
Almost everyone's expecting, everyone's asking -- 'have i given birth already?'

The answer is, as of this time --- NOPE, NOT YET... My cervix is not yet ripe, and I still have to wait for a few more days....

Am I ready? Whether or not I must be.... I need to be ready when she comes out...
There's no choice for me, I have to be....

I'm not sure of what I feel right now, there's some sort of fears, confusion, the 'what ifs', the uncertainty....
But whatever it is, I know I need to face them...
I have to, I need to....
Because this is it!!!